Today I turned 38. I can now no longer deny I’m pushing 40, sniff. And while it’s all relative, I actually did spend quite a few hours reflecting on the pressure I’m now feeling to grow up. I mean, I know I probably should have ‘grown up’ long ago, but it always seemed like something I’d get around to a little further on down the road.

Honestly, I’ve lived a pretty selfish life… always doing what I wanted to and not giving much thought to the consequences. Having kids didn’t even force me to grow up… while other parents put down roots, joined pta’s & planned big family christmases for the sake of their kiddos, I told mine to be free spirits. I moved them more times than I care to admit, let them stay up until 5:00 a.m. weeks in a row doing pretty much whatever they felt like, and told them to question everything and everyone, including me. Yeah, that one’s backfired more than once…

And while that life may work for some in my family, it hasn’t for others… and that’s something I deeply regret. And maybe that’s what birthdays are for… a time to catalog all your regrets & figure out how you ended up where you currently are. Who knows. What I do know is… for whatever reason, I’m happy. I have a great relationship with my husband, my daughters are smart, funny & precocious, by living out my expat dreams I’m taking the road less traveled, and I just got back from an amazing time in Paris and Venice.

So why the whole guilt thing about needing to grow up & be responsible? Hell, you tell me… I’ve never really been able to figure out my need to have a dark cloud hanging over me, that’s just the way it is. It’s like I have all this guilt about dragging everyone around chasing rainbows at a time when I should understand the innerworkings of escrow, or stop giggling every time I hear Ben Fold singing Dr. Dre’s ‘bitches ain’t shit’.

Or maybe it’s because Robbie’s 13 now and Sydney starts kindergarten in two weeks… it feels like a crossroad. I feel the pressure to get with the program and learn to do mommy/wife things like… well, cook. Or know how to get ink stains out of shirts… or make cute little heart shaped sandwiches & homemade cookies for lunchboxes. To go to work-related events and play nice with the other wives and talk about casseroles, children, and the merits of montessori versus traditional teaching methods.

You know, be normal… which I somehow (and probably wrongly… hey, is ‘wrongly’ even a word?) equate with boring. Settle for once in my life, because maybe that’s what growing up is all about… settling. Settling down, settling for what you’ve got and no longer wondering if there’s something bigger and better out there that you’re just waiting to get to, settle into a therapist’s couch to figure out once & for all what it is you’re always running from and to. Just… settle down. Why is that such a scary concept??

Oh well, enough introspection for one birthday. There’s chocolate cake waiting and later we’re all watching The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou for the bazillionth time… this involves much giggling at the topless intern & jamming to David Bowie tunes sung in Portuguese. You know, normal birthday stuff.

In closing, I always pick a birthday song… something that I think reflects my current state of mind looking toward the next year. This year (as with many others) it’s a Ben Folds song:

I feel like a quote out of context, withholding the rest
So I can be for you what you want to see
I got the gesture & sound, got the timing down
It’s uncanny, yeah, you think it was me
Do you think I should take a class to lose my southern accent?
Did I make me up, or make the face till it stuck?
I do the best imitation of myself.

The “problem with you” speech you gave me was fine
I liked the theories about my little stage
And I swore I was listening, but I started drifting
Around the part about me acting my age.
Now if it’s all the same… I’ve people to entertain
I juggle one handed, do some magic tricks and…
The best imitation of myself.

Maybe I’m thinking myself in a hole…
Wondering, who I am when I ought to know
Straighten up, now time to go and
Fool somebody else… fool somebody else.

And if my mind’s somewhere else, you won’t be able to tell
I do the best imitation of myself.
Yes it’s uncanny to see, you’d really think it was me
The best imitation of myself
The best imitation of myself

On this day..

• Venezia - 2006