Usually at this time of year I sit down and make a list of new year’s resolutions I’m almost certain to keep. Highlights from years prior include laying off crack, not spending all my money on hookers, giving up Lucky Strikes, sleeping late on sunday and (my personal favorite) moving more often. Hey, you’re always a winner when your bar is low…

Still, this year is different. There are several things that have materialized over the past 12-18 months that really need addressing. So, for once, a ‘real’ list of resolutions that I intend to keep. Ok, that I earnestly hope to keep… but I wouldn’t be opposed to betting against myself in Vegas. Maybe I might keep ‘em? Ok, ok… odds are good by february I’ll be in worse shape than I am now. Sigh. And while most are too personal to share, I will list my top three… in no particular order:

1. Lose weight.
2. Lose weight.
3. Lose weight.

Confession time… since moving to Dresden I’ve gained a whopping 32 pounds. What this is due to… great, creamy deutsch cuisine, active avoidance of stair climbing, happiness, depression, introduction to every sausage known to man, expat shut-in syndrome, yummy smelling bakeries on every corner, newfound respect for Camryn Manheim’s work in The Practice… your guess is as good as mine.

Add that to the 20 or so pounds I was hoping to shed prior to moving to germany and I’ve got a bona fide problem on my hands. So, I am going on record as saying I want… no, need… to lose 50 pounds. Gulp. Wow, that sounds really hard. And like something that’ll require discipline and sweat; two things I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to. I figure at this point it’s do or die. I either get off my (fat) ass and do so something about this, or I step up my game and pack on the additional 50 pounds or so required for a major weight loss surgery. Which, in many ways, seems to be the more appealing option at this point.

All I know is I’m the fattest I’ve ever been, and I don’t like it… not one bit. It doesn’t help that I now live in a land populated with tall, skinny germans wearing pants two inches too short. Damn it, in america I’d just now be fitting in. Story of my life. Anyway, I’ll try not to bore everyone with tales of my struggle to lose weight. Maybe an occasional update, but I’ll keep it bearable, with lots of self-deprecating humor to offset the tedium. Promise.

Beyond that, I hope everyone has a happy & safe new year’s celebration tonight. And remember, new year’s eve isn’t about drinking, partying & indiscriminate sex with multiple partners. Nope, it’s all about this little fella: