I’ve told my family that in lieu of gifts this mother’s day, all I ask is that:

(a) Robbie will not wear anything low enough to have ass showing out of the top of her waistband, or short enough for it to peek through the bottom of her skirt.

(b) Sydney will let me sleep until 10:00 a.m. This means not a single tiptoed trip to my side of the bed for the sole purpose of hissing loudly “Mommy are you still sleeping?”

(c) Jim is not allowed to talk about cars, electronics or why Jessica is still the hottest of the Simpson sisters.

(d) My mother’s day brunch must be prepared using four pots/pans or less. (makes it much easier cleaning the kitchen later on)

(e) Homemade cards involving glitter, glue, markers and/or paint must be prepared at the dining room table. (i’m still trying to get stains out of the carpet from last year’s creations)

(f) No one is allowed to ask for money, toys, clothes, specially prepared foods, deviant sexual favors or help with homework. It’s my day.

On this day..

• Help! Help! I'm being repressed... - 2008
• Rhetorical question. - 2007
• A little less conversation. - 2006