Lately it has occurred to me that it’s time I loosened up a bit. Ever since declaring a war on fat I’ve been more or less devoid of vice. It might be time to pick up a bad habit or two.

I mean, I don’t drink because I don’t want to end up looking or acting like an ass. I’ve always told myself that if I need liquor to relax or loosen up something is seriously wrong. The thought being- if I’m not willing to do whatever it is sober, I probably shouldn’t woo it with Jim Beam. Plus who wants to get snockered and pull a Hemingway?

Then there are drugs… (a) expensive (b) illegal (c) I prefer my synapses firing the old fashioned way, thank you very much. Plus who wants to shoot up and pull a Cobain? I will say I have nothing against pot and in the past have indulged from time to time. In fact I have no idea why it’s not legal. I’ve also never found it to be the uber-dangerous gateway drug the DEA (drug enforcement agency in America) wants us to believe it is. I’ve never smoked and joint and then said “gee that was nice, but I could sure go for some heroin now”. That said, it’s still illegal and I wouldn’t bring anything illegal into my home and I’m a mom who has to set a good example and all that blah blah. So it’s off the table as an ongoing, sustainable vice. Plus it’s bad for my diet.

Gambling? Nope. Never been a fan of throwing away money. And, sad as it is to say, I’m a little long in the tooth to develop sudden onset nymphomania. Could’ve been fun though…

I don’t smoke because I watched my grandfather die slowly & painfully of lung cancer. I remember spending the summer before my 15th birthday serving him almost frozen (the only way he could choke them down) cans of ensure and then trying to make him laugh to distract from the nausea that always came after. Once he was done throwing everything back up we’d go sit on the back porch while he smoked a cigarette to calm his nerves. Yeah, my hatred of big tobacco runs deep. He finally died on my 16th birthday, but not before cancer and chemotherapy had ravaged his body and broken his spirit.

Where was I? Well let’s see, I don’t turn to food for comfort any longer because I’m sick of feeling (and looking!) like Jabba the Hut. There was a time when I could lose myself in a fresh batch of french fries and a plate-sized schnitzel smothered in cream sauce. For better or worse those days are gone now.

Still, something’s gotta give. I exercise, drink at least 64 ounces of water and pop a handful of vitamins & minerals daily. I can’t stand coffee, haven’t had soda in I don’t remember how long, and can’t think of the last time I had caffeine. I even eat fruits and vegetables (the green ones too!) on an almost daily basis. Yep, I’m so fucking boring I’m putting myself to sleep as I type. heh

Which brings me full-circle… I really need to do something wrong. I guess drinking would be the easiest and most legal, but (in addition to all the stuff I mentioned above) most drinks taste like ass. I’m a perpetual kid… if I’m not drinking iced tea (my one consolation to adulthood) I want my beverage of choice to be sweet. Which drives me to order what Jim kindly refers to as ‘hooker drinks’. You know, the ones that mix cheap champagne & grenadine (half & half) and toss in a few cherries and one of those cute little paper umbrellas just for fun. Do they even have hooker drinks in Germany? If so, do I really want to be the only girl in the beer hall ordering a tequilla sunrise or fuzzy nipple? Probably not. But beer is just gross. As is most wine… unless it comes in a box and is flavored with high fructose corn syrup. I know, I know, you all just shuddered… i’m uncouth. heh.

Who knew being bad could be so complicated… oy

On this day..

• Awww... - 2008
• Says it all. - 2006