Just say no.
Sep 30th, 2007 by B.
Ever since Robbie (a) got a new boyfriend, (b) declared her virginity to be ‘lame’ and (c) came home last sunday with a hickey the size of Rhode Island on her neck, I’ve kept her on the shortest leash possible. Attempts to do anything have been met with either a flat-out ‘no!’ or a counteroffer of “why not just invite (insert name) over here instead?” When asked if she’d be allowed to do anything this weekend my answer was: “Girls with hickeys the size of Rhode Island don’t get to go out partying in the Neustadt… instead they’re forced to watch ‘Thirteen’ with their parents and then check out brochures for all-girl boarding schools run by nuns.”
Still, I felt bad. Like I was punishing her for something she hadn’t done yet. Even worse, I was punishing her for being honest with me. And that’s the rub, I suppose, when it comes to having an open, chummy relationship with your child. You love it when you’re sharing inside jokes or being told you’re “way cooler than the other moms”. But then they casually mention something that really sets you back… that snaps your head around with whiplash force and makes you want to embrace lame, clichéd phrases like “Well young lady, if everyone else was jumping off a bridge, would you do it too?” or just: “You’re grounded until you’re 21!”.
So I compromised. I told her I realized I couldn’t stop her forever from doing something if she was deadset on doing it (no pun intended), but I could slow her down and make sure she took time to think it through first. So she’s not going out for two weeks (and after that we’ll be in Austria, so it’s really closer to a month… ha!), but she can have people over as often as she’d like…
And this was how I came to meet the potential deflowerer of my offspring. At first I was filled with this totally uncool, almost feral desire to rip his nuts off protect her virtue, but I put my game face on. Still, there was a definite undercurrent that went something like this:
Public Enemy #1: Hello, I’m Matt. (translation: I have 93.995% certainly I’ll be boning your daughter in the near future. You can’t cock-block me forever, you know…)
Me: Hi Matt, nice to meet you. (translation: Matt, my friend, insert any part of yourself into any part of my daughter and… swear to god… I will hunt you down and club you like a baby seal)
I don’t envy you the stress. It was bound to come up, but who is ever ready for that moment?
There is a different attitude towards sexuality over here. In general, it is much more open and permissive. If you called that boy’s parents to discuss this issue, they may not even see the problem. When my husband was 16, his mother knew how many eggs to cook for breakfast by counting the pairs of shoes in the hallway. That went for him and his younger sister. She did ensure that they understand everything about safe sex (Oliver went with his first girlfriend to the doctor to get her birth control perscription) and insisted that they sleep at home.
How about sending Robbie with her beau for a pelivc exam and birth control talk with a gynecologist? If she wants to be an adult, she should experience all that goes with it…
…or did I just make you spit coffee on the computer screen?
Yep, her boyfriend’s German and I’m pretty sure doesn’t get what all the fuss is about. I think for expat kids the whole ‘american expectations’ -v- european culture must be a slippery slope. Here she can drink and smoke (and lots of her friends do), but she knows we don’t approve and it will get her in trouble. Ditto for sex. Several of her girlfriends are already having sex- I even had the parents of one say to me that to try to prevent it will just cause your children to hide more from you. And I know they’re right, I really do.
It’s just tough when it’s your stinkin’ kid and you look at her and see the little girl with the big toothy grin who was so proud when she rode her bike for the first time without training wheels…
I’ve already told her if she believes she’s mature enough to have sex, she’s damn sure mature enough to stick her feet in stirrups and go through the process of getting birth control.
I guess we’ll see how it all plays out. I’m hoping this is a whim (kinda like the time she wanted to dye her hair purplish red) and if I force her to cool her heels long enough she’ll have a change of heart.
That said, it’s inevitable this is going to come back up. She’s in such a hurry to grow up, and there seems to be a neverending line of boys more than happy to help her accomplish her goals.
Oh. My. God. I do understand that at some point I am going to have to deal with this issue, but I fear I may be the rip the nuts off of them type of parent.
Good luck!
Not rational at all. I have to say my mother, a nurse, employed some pretty interesting techinques to preserve our virginity. First, she said if we had sex (and she did not approve) then we better use birth control and not just the pill, because pregnant was better than dead. Then, she brought home a graphic movie from the hospital that followed a person would was HIV positive through treatment and eventually death. My siblings and I were forced to watch this entire movie with both parents. Finally, just to make sure we had the message, she sent my father in to speak with my sister and me. His sex education talk consisted of two phrases: We could have all the babies we wanted but we couldn’t bring them home, and, if we had sex before marriage he would shoot the guy in the balls. Since he hunted, we took him pretty seriously and when a date pressured me and I wasn’t interested, I repeated the second phrase and “accidently” showed them the gun cabinet. After this, you may want to rethink your stance on firearms
I’ve been “that guy” numerous times…and all I can say is that he is thinking the same thing. At the precise moment when he shakes you or your husbands hands he will be holding back a smirk that says “I’m banging your daughter!”, or in this case…that he wants too. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news….but us boys are as bad as you think we are and probably much worse at that age.
Oh B, I can’t even begin to imagine what dealing with this is like, it must be terrifying though. At the same time, hopefully cooler heads will prevail & Robbie will really think about the consequences to her actions first. Good Luck!
Why not teach youre child the value of abstenance? Could a strong faith base be missing? I have always taught my daughters the importance of awaiting the wedding night. Heres a website where you can learn more. http://www.abstinenceassociation.org/index.html
Maybe you could read with youre daughter?
You might consider pre-emptive clubbing
Personally I was never a fan of the sacrificial virgin routine on the wedding night. (I don’t have much faith in it.) The argument also rarely works. In fact the parents who try this route quickly become grandparents (if they’re lucky).
B, I think you’re on the right track. State your opinion and back it up with reasons and then bombard her with information. If she’s making this decision she has to do the whole thing: doctor visit included. That is what adults do. (BTW Europeans: not too educated on the herpes part, better make sure you cover that.)
She may be a bit early, but whether or not she actually goes through with it this time, it looks like she’s ready for the information. There is unfortunately no protection from a broken heart, but you can give her the best tools possible for this next step in life. The best I can wish for my daughter (if I ever have one) is that she really feels she made the decision herself, knows how to take care of herself and knows enough to be sure that things happen on her terms. The last thing I would want would be for her to regret the choice, or have something resulting from it that she’ll regret forever.
…and if you’re daughter is ‘going there’ at this age, by the time I get around to having one she’ll probably be forcing me to have this talk in the womb.
My Mom is currently visiting, which brings up all kinds of hilariously awkward memories of the time when I lived with my parents 24/7 (which now seems like ages, but really was less than 10 years ago,). Some thoughts:
My Mom is a person I can still talk to about (almost) anything, but truly at the end of the day, I have plenty of my own friends. If the sh*t really hits the fan, I want a parent, not a pal. Just in case that helps when you have to be the heavy.
Also, my parents seemed to effectively scare the shit out of any guys by not regarding them much at all. When I tried to introduce my high school boyfriend to my dad he said, (in front of my boyf,), “Why would I want to meet him when he’s not going to be around for the long haul? I’ll meet the one when it matters.”. Oh. My. God.
Lastly, for a little levity/inspiration - check out the Gilmore Girls episode (hold on…going to google this..) 87, from season 4, called “Raincoats and Recipes” http://www.tv.com/gilmore-girls/raincoats-and-recipes/episode/323027/summary.html. Rory loses it and so does Lorelai, in a whole ‘nother way.
Is it far too old fashioned to use the words LOVE and RESPECT with this topic?
I taught many students from 1963 - 1993 and totally agree with katie s´comment above: “My Mom is a person I can still talk to about (almost) anything, but truly at the end of the day, I have plenty of my own friends. If the sh*t really hits the fan, I want a parent, not a pal. Just in case that helps when you have to be the heavy.”
Too many parents over these years wanted teachers to be parents, ministers …. fearing they would NOT be a friend to their child. My stock answer: I have NOT taken your child to parent but to teach. Such shocked parents!
Oh, man. This is why I am glad that I am having a boy. I do remember what my mom did when she found out about me (16) and my boyfriend. She gave me the safe sex talk WITH my boyfriend. It was so embarrassing that it put off the moment for another month. Although we fought about it, we did get through it.
Hexe- I always figured when the time came I would be able to joke my way out of any awkwardness or stress I felt (my standard m.o.), but it’s been tougher than I thought. I’m just now getting to the joking stage. Last night Robbie asked me what I wanted for christmas and my answer without skipping a beat was ‘for you to still be a virgin!’. I’d feel much better about the whole thing if she were, say, 16. We’re coping though… and I’m not ruling out open threats the next time the boy comes around…
JW- Yep, I figured as much. And I wish all you stinky boys grow up to have adorable, doe-eyed daughters. Then you’ll feel my pain when some punk rings the doorbell and you know exactly what he’s after… heh.
Lisa- Amen!
Dottie- Right or wrong I haven’t raised her that way up to now, so it’s probably too late to switch tatics. She’d be the first to cry ‘bullshit’ if I did. That said, I respect what you’re saying and wish you much luck with your daughters… we moms have to stick together.
Mike- It’s funny, normally I’m this peace loving “it’s all good…” kinda person, but I really do have this overwhelming desire to go all Clint Easwood on the guy… go ahead punk, make my day!
Megan- The ‘bit early’ part is what gets to me too… I was 16 when I lost my virginity, so I naturally defaulted to that being when I’d have to worry about it for her. But I guess kids really are doing things sooner these days. Man using ‘back in my day we used to’ phrases always makes me feel like such an old fart. lol
Katie- Yep, I need to work on the discipline thing I guess. I’m not very good at it, and it might be too little, too late in this situation. Poor Sydney though… I’m gonna go all Gestapo on her ass as soon as she hits puberty. I’ll check out the episode, thanks for the tip.
Lee- Yep, I probably should have been tougher and maybe we wouldn’t be in this boat, but I am glad she feels she can talk to me. Maybe that’s more pal-ish and less parentish, but it’s the only thing I can hang onto now. At least if she decides to go through with it she’ll know what my thoughts are and that, no matter what, I love her and she can come to me with anything and we’ll work through it (even the stuff she knows I won’t like)
Claire- Yeah, I was 16 too… grrr, why can’t she be 16? It’s a nice, round number. One that makes more sense to me.