Jim’s back to work, kiddos are in school, kitchen looks like a disaster area… life as I know it has resumed. For everyone in America it’s thanksgiving. A day of spending hours upon hours in the kitchen with football games blasting in the background. A day for families to gather together and gossip about whoever couldn’t make it this year… and children to meet up with long lost cousins and get away with murder.

For us it’s just another Thursday, and I like it that way. But for those of you suffering through yet another huge turkey dinner, I’ll borrow from every sitcom I’ve ever seen and wish that none of the following befall you this year:

1. Turkey gets burned.
2. Turkey not thawed properly, still raw for big meal.
3. Thawing frozen turkey @ last minute using hair dryer & blow torch.
4. Tofu turkey & cholesterol-free gravy served by health nut aunt & uncle.
5. Mom’s a terrible cook but everyone pretends to love it anyway.
6. Someone forgets to turn oven on.
7. Random power outage before cooking is finished.
8. Recipes not followed - hijinks ensue.
9. Senile old grandma brings Jell-O mold filled with kitty litter/cigarette butts/ false teeth.
10. Ex-lover/boss/sworn enemy/mercy fuck/stalker/boy you dumped for hotter boy on prom night is unknowingly invited to dinner. Things go terribly awry.
11. Relatives (still) clashing over imagined slight from 1969.
12. Relative accidentally not invited.
13. ‘Meet the Parents’ variation… usually involving grumpy, football watching dad & slutty cousin hitting on you in front of entire family.
14. Nutty friend invited who brings protesters along to underscore the true meaning of Thanksgiving - screwing the Indians.
15. Reenactment of first quarter of Dallas Cowboys game lands Dad & Uncle Freddie in the emergency room just as dinner is being served.
16. Last minute dash to the grocery store where scuffle breaks out over last can of pumpkin.
17. Aunt Franny drunk by noon, unconscious by dinnertime.
18. Great-grandpa Moses pinching bums of female (and some male.. guffaw!) dinner guests.
19. Kids break something, hide evidence, hilarity ensues when adults accidentally find out.
20. Cousin Susie, the alcoholic, gets drunk from pecan pie laced with bourbon that you made.
21. Next door neighbor invited at last minute is allergic to peanuts & must be rushed to hospital after unknowingly eating peanut butter cookie.
22. Tempers flare, food fight at dinner table breaks out, huge mess left for women to clean while men go watch football.
23. Acid flashback has you and all your friends dressed as pilgrims and reenacting the first Thanksgiving (only with better teeth & push-up bras).
24. When asked to go around the table and say what you’re thankful for, everyone lists family/friends/health while you list your new waterproof vibrator & ear plugs.

Ok, maybe that last one only happened to me…

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and remember, only 32 shopping days left until Christmas!