It’s the final countdown.
Jul 22nd, 2008 by B.
Jim’s parents will be here in two days and I’m in full-on cleaning mode. In addition to the multitude of sins I apparently possess (… divorced, older, atheist-leaning heathen with hypnotic vagina luring their sweet baby boy straight to hell), I am also reputed to be a lousy housewife. This I’ll give them, along with divorced, older and atheist-leaning. I’m nothing if not fair.
As for my vagina, I stared at it for 10 whole minutes last Thursday and never once felt sleepy or trance-like.
Back to cleaning… Jim’s parents are working class, god fearing, salt of the earth types. His father toiled away in a factory all his life, and his mother cleaned houses for a living. For. A. Living. That’s right… she’s a pro. So when she’s around she can’t help but notice the fine layer of dirt caked in the grooves of the expandable hose for the portable a/c unit. Or the fact that the tops of our light bulbs are covered in dust. Once she even took my refrigerator apart to show me all the dirt that gets gunked up inside the housing of it. I didn’t even know refrigerators came apart.
Essentially I’m fighting a losing battle here. I figure I can spend the next 48 hours in a dervish of frenzied cleaning (that in the end won’t be good enough anyway), or I can say fuck it, get my drunk on, and greet them at the door with a bottle of Mad Dog in one hand and a set of nipple clamps in the other. Life’s all about choices.
I did get one bit of happy news though… Jim’s dad has taken up magic for a hobby. I can’t wait for the first time he uses the word ‘trick’ so I can break out one of my favorite GOB/Arrested Development lines:
Illusions, Michael…. tricks are something whores do for money.
tee-hee.
On this day..
- Calling snow meiser... - 2006
I say it’s time to dust off the nipple clamps and call it a day!
Looooooove Arrested Development. Did you hear there’s a movie in the works?
Juls last blog post..Travel writers born, not made?
how come you’ve never greeted me with Mad Dog and nipple clamps?
I must not be worthy.
tqe / Adams last blog post..Suitcase Stuffed
for whatever reason… “it’s an illusion, michael” is the one quote more than any other that has worked its way into my regular, routine speech… (followed by “her?”)
anyway, thanks for the smile today.
Don’t you get a sore neck undertaking those 10-minute inspections? Just curious…
ian in hamburgs last blog post..Some are reading
As one older, other religioned, bad housekeeper to another, I say- Go to the level you want, then break out the liquor.
Gs last blog post..Things that are annoying…
Wow, you are my twin, lol…seriously though chill out, have another glass of wine and forget the cleaning. No matter what you do you will never measure up so why bother. Been there, done that and won’t do it again. Fortunately for me, my mother in law can’t fly any more so visiting us is not in the cards and now that she’d elderly when we go to Greece I end up cleaning her place because she can’t see it….ciao
rosittas last blog post..We Are So Out Of Here…
Definitely one of your best posts. Obviously these people INSPIRE you. (Or something.)
Carol
Carols last blog post..Two Year Anniversary
portable air conditioner? won’t the cold kill you?
Life is too short to clean extensively. Bring out the mad dog and have some fun!
OMG, girl, just from your first paragraph description of yourself, I’d marry you. You could even wear nipple clamps at the ceremony.
You know, I thought that I wouldn’t have those mother in law visits AD (after divorce), but several years ago, my Ex had hte nerve to send his mom to stay with me and the kids for a week. Yeah.
You’re fabulous, if they can’t see it, may they choke on the dust from your refrigerator.
more cowbells last blog post..A Couple of Months in the Life