Am I having fun yet?
Jul 29th, 2008 by B.
My in-laws have been here a week now and it’s been stressful. I could probably post a whole scorecard of insults, backhanded compliments, critiques and judgments, but I’m going with Jim’s ’souvenir’ from America instead. And maybe in a way it shows that Jim’s mom is just who she is, and it’s not only a ‘me’ thing… as in, she doesn’t just hate me, she’s an equal opportunity offender.
So naturally when you have someone visiting from the states you hope they bring you certain things… yummy snacks or foods you can’t get here, or magazines or clothes, or even just a hometown newspaper or something. They brought none of these things. What they did bring (after saying they’d noticed something that needed to be taken care of asap while looking through our flickr account) was this:
At first I thought it was a joke… and let’s face it, it would have been a funny one, even Jim would have laughed. But she didn’t laugh. Instead she said she consulted a barber and found out this was the best thing to stop hair loss. And since none of the other male family members are balding like Jim, she wants him to do something about it before the family name becomes associated with baldness.
Yes… seriously, she said that.
Ever since then I’ve kept a big ‘are we having fun yet’ smile plastered on my face and swallowed enough Benadryl (strongest drug I can get my hands on at the moment) to walk around in a cozy little haze:
And, yes, that lovely sheen on my face is sweat. It’s been about a hundred and forty fucking degrees every day since they’ve been here. Still, fools that we are, we go out in it daily…
I hear England’s cool & rainy though…
And since none of the other male family members are balding like Jim, she wants him to do something about it before the family name becomes associated with baldness.
I think this is where my head would have exploded.
You poor thing. Stay tough and keep your eyes on D(eparture)-Day. We’ll be thinking of you.
My condolences. I’ll buy you a drink when it’s all over. We’ll have to meet somewhere in the middle, or maybe I’ll make a return trip to Dresden.
tqe / Adams last blog post..Hot Rumor
Oh how i feel for you. Let me count the ways. 1. Bitchy MIL. 2. Hot hot hot weather. 3. Undoubtedly no air conditioning. 4. Snide comments. … the list could go on forever. I’m sorry B! I hope you make it without being thrown in jail!
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There is no way I could have let that slide. I’d make us all miserable the whole trip by never letting her hear the end of it, plus any other snide remarks I could think of to make to her. I’m so glad to hear you’ve survived much better than I would!! Please teach me your patience tricks!!
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Oh My! I guess just keep smiling and taking the drugs with a large glass of wine. I think I might claim a headache one day and stay behind at the hotel.
My last dose of Benadryl is waiting in my purse - I probably should have taken it yesterday when the movers wedged our box spring in the stairwell and then didn’t believe it had actually been brought up those same stairs in the first place. Instead I sealed all the windows and closed the door of our bathroom so I could sit in the sweltering heat but without inhaling the dust or pollen that has been making me so freaking miserable for the past month. Can you tell I’m ready to go?
Maybe you should slip some of that shampoo into your mother-in-law’s Nair bottle. (Does anyone still use Nair?)
(Am writing from the Movenpick, it’s nice here. They have ice cream.)
Blythes last blog post..We Were on a Break
Jesus! I’m sorry to hear of those rapid fire insults. But if it makes you feel any better, here are some of the myriad of insults my (German) father-in-law has told me to my face:
-”Don’t be stupid” context: the fact that I don’t drive in Germany
-”Try some of the gravy, there’s no meat in it” About a million jazillion freaking times at dinner or any meal because I don’t eat meat.
-”Your son was so small and weak when he was born because you don’t eat meat.” Also more times than I can count on two hands, and no rocket scientist, it’s because he had his umbilical cord wrapped around his throat twice and additionally had a big fat knot in it. If I’d eaten meat, the knot would’ve maybe grown, but he wouldn’t have.
-”You couldn’t breast feed properly because you don’t eat meat.” I know plenty of women who eat meat who’ve had their own troubles with that one, brain surgeon.
After he told me a number of these on my own turf I boycotted him until it was final that we were moving far, far away. Then I told him to put that in his pipe and smoke it!
Good luck surviving the visit!
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Maybe you should convince your husband to shave his head — just until his mom is gone?
When even the kid is hiding her face you know it’s gotta be bad… I think you should have an unfortunate bout of ‘upset stomach/food poisoning’ and enjoy a nice day at home… by yourself… in peace and quiet.
And what was Jim’s reaction to his… ummm… present from America?
Hey B, been keeping up on your comings & goings & I’m sorry to say I had to laugh at first, but of course you have my sympathies dealing w/ the inlaws from hell, lol………Is there no way you could, ohhh, say, slip a little something in their tea to knock them out for a while? What about a big dose of Xlax in their dessert?
How much longer do you have to endure them?
Girl, girl, girl…I feel your pain. Just keep the big ‘are we having fun yet’ smile plastered on your face and a couple of mini bottles of Schnaps in your purse at all times. Trust me, those little bottles make time fly by.
Schokolade Mädchens last blog post..Driving with a German
Oh boy. Hang in there. Take plenty of pills. - M
Well, I have never commented on your blog but I have been a devoted reader for a long time and I have to say you are definitely the most incredible woman! Haha, you are a far better woman than I. I would have whacked her one with a smelly fish. Have you had a chance to use the Arrested Development line? Too funny!
I recognized the smile right off. Oh, and I consulted with my doctor, and the most effective way to address that lovely sheen is to give your MIL a one way ticket to Get the Fuck Out. Sure fire cure.
@Blythe: better yet, put the Nair in her shampoo bottle, then give her the Nioxin.
Stay strong…
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Dude, I know I shouldn’t, but I had to laugh. This to shall pass? Let’s hope before someone gets hurt.
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Just wondering how things are going now B? Did you manage to survive unscathed or are you still dealing w/ the fam? I miss your blogs, you need to blog more